Mariel

daifuku @ 2005-02-11T23:49:00

2005-02-12T07:50:19Z

Oh yeah, only lesbians dig that about me. I should be queer. Man I'd get play.

daifuku @ 2005-02-11T10:50:00

2005-02-11T18:58:42Z

So shit crap and a whole lotta goddamn. I kept telling myself "He can't hurt me yet" with some pride, which is maybe not the healthiest way to approach a relationship but it made me feel safe. And then it turns out he could and did and is. And now I'm just the crybaby girl I was so sure I wasn't going to be, feeling vulnerable and stupidstupidstupid.

I wish a boy would find me who liked me for what I like me for. Not for the sweet me, the nice me, the oh-she -gives-me-attention-isn't-that-fucking-nice-for-my-ego-what-a-kind-and-gentle-soul me, but the hard-edged, strong, don't-fuck-with-me, funny me. But to quote my current crush, that's "intimidating." "I guess it works for you because then when you are nice and attentive it's such a pleasant suprise." Suprise that is not a nice thing to say, and I don't like you for it. I don't like boys for it. What boys want- the stereotypes and old rules are true and it is boring and frustrating and makes me angry and sad and lonely.

daifuku @ 2005-01-22T01:30:00

2005-01-22T09:34:09Z

So I'm not an online journal person. I can't get regular about writing to the Big Gray Void of no one and anyone. I think I need to find myself a penpal. Or two. Or three. Here on campus, even with friends around me, I feel isolated. A touch trapped, a bit claustrophobic. Time to reach out and get to know someone who isn't in the same bubble. Preferably someone who isn't a thirteen-year-old obsessed with emo and vampire romance novels.

daifuku @ 2004-09-26T12:40:00

2004-09-26T19:47:38Z

I haven't drunk at all since I got back to school. Last night I was shotgun in my friend's car going to the ice skating rink. There were three people in the back seat. The middle one puked.

Seriously, liquor puke has got to be the worst smell in the world. And picking up warm reddish noodles from floral upholstery? Jesus.

Essentially the point is I will never drink again. Pomona is so pathetic and dull with the whole drink-to-get-drunk mentality. Apparently there is no other way to have a good time any night of the weekend, every single weekend. I'm sure I would drink a lot more here if I wasn't so turned-off by the drinking culture here. It's no fun.

Whenever I see someone puke I get sick-y flashbacks. I swear this morning I feel like I have a minor hangover. Can't be worse than how last-night-lushy is feeling right now I suppose..

3:47 am

2004-09-25T11:02:52Z

So I woke up at 3 and I can't go back to sleep. I figure it's as good a time as any to restart this thing.

Yeah, so, I wish I could go back to sleep. I think I might be hungry or something. Being alone in the night makes me feel, well...alone. I wish I had a dog at these time. Not someone in bed with me. Not a man. A sweet dog that I could call over and pat on the head. That sounds like it could center the world into one calm and happy spot.

When I tell people my dream in life is simply to live in San Francisco with an old dog from the pound, it sounds like I'm trying to be cute or funny. But I'm completely serious. I've stressed so much about what I want to do in life and, while it's not as if that stressing has come to a complete halt, I feel the security of a goal and a clearer future. That image, of the most beautiful city in the world and a dog, gives me a real sense of comfort. I feel as though I've found something I can actually do, and a way I can be happy.

Of course I embellish on that simple dream while drifting off in class. The world will end when I stop obsessing about the future. I think of a dark room set up in a shed "out back" where I can print crappy amateur black and white shots that I think are beautiful, a couch more comfy than a cloud in heaven, and a home with windows that let the sun in. I think of a job that lets me do at least some small good in the world, and of seeing my family all the time, so we are always the way we are now and the way it should be, a family living for eachother.

I understand why graduating from college scares the crap out of so many kids happy bobbing around the Pomona bubble. But I can't wait to start my life...